WELCOME TO THE CAMBO CANCER CHRONICLE

1000 words / 5 minute read

For a while now I’ve been joking about writing a blog post entitled "Why Being Told You’re Terminally ill is Not the End of the World".

Although I prefer to keep the tone “light” when talking about subjects like this, I realize it's no laughing matter to some, who unlike me, haven't had several years to come to terms with and be able to joke about their situation.

So I haven't ever written that post of course, but its sentiment is mirrored throughout this blog and it is one that I wanted to get across, both about how I view my own situation and in the hope that I might help others who find themselves in the “same boat”.

After all, (assuming that you and I aren't currently sharing a cabin on a stricken vessel), you could be forgiven for putting yourself in my shoes and figuring that I've got a few things to feel sorry for myself about - and “on paper” or in the early days at least, you would have been right.

I want to show you that it doesn't have to be that way and that there can be bright sides to what is otherwise a very dark place to be for most people.

BRAVE FACED WALLOW? NO THANK YOU

I don’t enjoy feeling down and not just that, even if I wanted to, I find it impossible to sustain a dark mood if it arrives. This is a “natural setting” for me it seems; in the time that has passed since I embraced, and almost enjoyed, being a depressed, angst-ridden moody teenager, I have turned a complete 180. What was, at first, almost certainly a conscious suppression of emotion, then took on a life of it’s own.

I don’t consciously suppress my feelings now, but I do embrace them for use as a guideline - after that been achieved, it's like they are no longer any use to me. I doubt I’m alone in this, though through conversation with my Macmillan Counsellor, it did occur to me whether this was still a form of suppression and therefore ultimately emotionally unhealthy? Perhaps this is why people think I’m “putting on a brave face”.

In fact this assumption has been mentioned to me by two sympathetic close friends separately in recent months. One mentioned that I seemed outwardly bright but she imagined that when I was alone, I could let the mask slip and have a “good wallow” in my own self pity.

The other imagined that I was locking myself away from the world - “hiding” in effect, something understandable but also ultimately negative.

Both of these are far from the case for me, and I hope to demonstrate that, even if you feel that way now, it doesn't have to be your natural state either.

UNCERTAINTY = ANXIETY

Would it be controversial for me to wonder aloud whether “uncertainty is the number one cause of anxiety”? It may even be the only cause ultimately, since what else makes you anxious apart from that which you cannot understand or control? It seems that even animals that have the capacity to act on it, even if they’re not consciously aware of it.

The daddy of these uncertainties is related to the time and nature of our death, which we avoid thinking about day to day if it’s not under threat. I've had “that chat” with a few people over the years of the Odyssey, who claim things like “they’re not scared of death” or that if told tomorrow they “only had months left it wouldn't bother them”.

Whilst certainly a brave sentiment, when faced with its reality, I think most people would agree that they would prefer not to die imminently and instead would like to continue the life they’re quite enjoying, not to mention that they have no idea what they’re letting themselves in for in terms of potential suffering, afterlife beliefs etc etc

The fear of this unknown, a very valid and understandable concern, is the only real one that people in my situation have to deal with and its presence (the “lack of tomorrow”), has freed me from 99% of the worries and concerns of “normal people”.

When you then add that it’s enabled me to retire to my tropical paradise in my 30’s with none of the career pressures, relationship worries or general day to day stress that people my age have to deal with, it almost looks like I've engineered it all on purpose!

I haven’t of course, and it’s not all roses but I promise to be honest in my accounts and not sugarcoat things too much - I've been surprised in my own research by how few honest cancer tales there are out there, but I shall put links to the good ones in Resource Corner as I come across them.

You can, of course, start with Part One of my account of the Cancer Odyssey here.

And although cancer is the cause of my situation, it is neither the end of the story nor the reason to write it down. The major theme for this blog is “Freedom” and my wish to share my philosophy with more people than just those I meet here day to day. You can learn all about that side of things here.

HIGH FLYING & RETIRING

Before I go, here’s a quick list of things I've achieved in the two years since I was told I should "get my affairs in order":

• Left my job and obediently put my affairs in order (which is when things "got real")
• Permanently emigrated
• Visited 8 countries in quick succession
• Learnt a new language
• Learnt new ways to DJ and produce music
• Became an “autodidact” and devoured 60 odd books (so far) about world affairs, economics and history
• Started writing on a freelance basis and went on to create this blog, along the way landing additional freelance work on my own merit and a job as the Content Manager for a website
• Popped home on Bucket List Business Class to have one last brush with the NHS
• Was given an operation while I was there, which has given me a new lease of life
• Still managed to secure an unexpected 100% approval rating from medical professionals with regards to my wishes to return to Cambo 

I have also found the time and space to make peace with myself (cheesy but true - and something that I hope everyone has the chance to do).

And I'm no where near done yet - see, it's not the end of the world is it?

Thanks for reading

Stage-4-in-Sinville
theccconline.blogspot.com